Just Funny Stuff

                          The Best Lawyer Story of all Time... Bar None (pardon the pun)

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had
no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?


A Cat and Your Chapstick

   We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.

    Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on
him and  nothing ever bothered him.  He used to hang out and nap all day long
on this mat in our bathroom.

   Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years
old, 3 years old and 1 year old.  The middle one is Eli.  Eli really
loves chapstick.  LOVES it.  He kept asking to use my chapstick and
then losing it.  So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom
I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but
he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

   Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on.  My
two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.  I am trying to
nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. 
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a
wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

    We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I
am looking for Eli.  I have searched everywhere and I finally round
the corner to go into the bathroom.  And there was Eli.  He was applying my
chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end.  Eli looked right into my eyes
and said "chapped."  Now if you have a cat, you know that he is
right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.  And, frankly, Jack
didn't seem to mind.

    And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was
the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

    And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds
us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures,
there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your
chapstick on the cat's butt.


Texas Girls...(got this one from a friend)


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties....


The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a TEXAS GIRL.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said on the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.


Gotta love those TEXAS GIRLS!!!!!!!